Tag Archives: couples

Compromising Vs. Settling

1 Jun

Credit:clip art image

I’ve been in a relationship with my honey (Anthony) for almost 8 years. I feel old just writing that! I hate to say that word relationship, because what we have is so much deeper than that. We are such deeply, connected kindred spirits, that I feel that the word relationship does it no justice. You don’t make it to eight years easily, or without the willingness to compromise. Now, here is where it gets tricky and people scrunch their faces; but I’m going to be as detailed as I can to unfold the differences between compromising and settling in relationships.

Although the dictionary definitions of compromise and settle are very similar we identify them as completely different things. Compromising is what you should do when you’re in a committed long-term, relationship, marriage, etc. It is only something you do with someone who is undoubtedly in love with you, supportive of you, and vice versa. You know if you’re with someone who is worth compromising some things for. Many hear the word compromise and assume it means giving up a part of you or not enjoying things that you normally would if you were single. First off, compromising in a relationship is and only should be mutual. You may compromise on major decisions like careers, living in the city versus the living in the suburbs, or on minor decisions like where to eat for (dinner)i.e. not eating at your favorite restaurant so that your sweetie can eat at his/her restaurant pick. For me this is a biggie, because I always want to eat at the same two places, and never want what my honey wants. When we are butting heads about where to eat dinner, we usually have to come to some middle ground and choose something we can both settle on. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve ended up restaurant parking lots with the car windows up, arguing because I won’t compromise. Yes, I have my moments too! He’s a big time carnivore and I always want pasta or salad (not a man’s usual favorite). Compromises no matter how big or small shouldn’t feel like burdens; if they feel more like burdens, then it’s time to have a talk, and another compromise needs to be made. Both parties need to feel important, loved, happy, etc. You should always want each other to feel appreciated and happy. Every couple on earth makes compromises on something. Some people are willing to deal with habits or situations that others’ aren’t. Each couple’s compromises are unique to them, and that’s what makes them (as a couple) work. One person cannot always have it their way, because this is where it becomes a dictatorship. Meeting in the middle becomes the norm, because that’s what you do to keep each other fulfilled. Compromising does not feel like you’re giving up something; when you’re doing it with the right person. It’s amazing because I know, that no matter what; I’ve got someone who’ll give his last whatever or go without, so that I can have what I need and vice versa.  

 Now, I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m always happy to make compromises. Sometime I do get irritated, as does he with some of the situations at hand, but as a whole; the compromises are mediocre compared to what we get from being in each others’ lives. It is the most fulfilling thing in the world to share and make decisions with someone and continue to strive for the other persons’ happy every day.

Settling is the term generally used when one is not fulfilled in a relationship, but gives their all, while receiving the bare minimum in return. You can compare settling to the Vilfredo Pareto principal better known as the 80/20 rule of business.  The  Italian mathematician/ economist who noticed that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population. The richest 20% owned 80% of the land. To relate this to settling, you can say that one person is giving 80% and receiving only 20 % in return. You can also relate it to the belief (not my own belief) that in most healthy relationships, you should be getting 80% of what you need from your partner. More is great, less than 80% not so great. If you’re with someone, and you know without a doubt that you’re not fulfilled and getting back what you put in, then you’re settling.

I think a partnership of any kind should be 50/50, so I’m not sure how I feel about the 80/20 reference. I enjoy spitting things down the middle. If both parties are giving and receiving (equally) within a relationship, then for the most part both should be happy. So, if you have somebody good treat them right compromise on some things, cook, clean, love ‘em up, cut them some slack with their careers/jobs. If a career requires lots of travel, compromise on how to spend time together. Be supportive while they start a business, work more while they finish school, whatever the compromise needs to be. In return the same things should happen for you. If you’re not willing to compromise… a serious relationship may not be for you right now.

Love, live life y’all!

Sources used Britannica online:

Source: “Vilfredo Pareto.” Encyclopædia Britannica. Encyclopædia Britannica Online. Encyclopædia Britannica Inc., 2012. Web. 01 Jun. 2012. <http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/443519/Vilfredo-Pareto>.

 

Why I’m not rushing into marriage and family

25 Apr

Lately, I keep running across articles and stories in the media regarding college grads putting off marriage, babies, etc. Since I fall into this group, I have to chime in!

 http://finance.yahoo.com/news/to-pay-off-loans–grads-put-off-marriage–children.html

There are really two huge factors as to why recent grads are not jumping into family and marriage. Can you guess why?

  • The first one is a no -brainer…this economy! We want to get married, have kids, the whole nine, but how in the world can we do that, when we can’t even get decent paying jobs? Then we’re expected to pay off the loans we accrued during all of that time in higher education. Employers aren’t giving college grads the chance to start at a decent living wage or provide an opportunity for advancement. Society says work hard and things will pay off and blah, blah, blah…but we all know that isn’t in the cards anytime soon! Most grads aren’t even working in their prospective career.
  • The second factor is we are a generation of forward thinkers. We want to live life, see what’s out there, and make a difference. The issue here is that we are constantly thinking of what else… (what else is out there for me, what kind of book do I want to write, what kind of music do I want to make, what genre of movies would I produce, what can I do to make a change, what’s beyond the four corners of this cubicle) Pausing to start families doesn’t really allow for that type of thinking and lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I do want kids, and marriage sooner than later, but now is not the time. I’d like to have an actual ceremonial wedding without having to go to the Justice of the Peace (Let me be clear: I have NOTHING against a court house ceremony, sometimes that’s the route you need to take, or you may prefer it over the other alternatives.)  I’m not asking for some outlandish, large affair, but I want the chance to have a somewhat traditional wedding. Let’s be real, lower middle class families cannot pay for their kid’s wedding, reception, honeymoon, etc.

Young, motivated, and in love

Religious folk want us to married quickly so that we can live in a way that is acceptable by God, yet I see no one offering to help with any part of it. They’re like “Just go to the court-house” “You can always do something big later.” Whatever…those people know that the bigger wedding never happens down the road.Society wants us to do something quick and cheap because we’ve been together too long. They say, “There is never a perfect time to have kids” My response is…”uh, no, but there is a better time.”

So, we’ll continue to take the steps we need to take to live out our dreams. We’ll do the most uncommon things that lead to success (our definition of success). And, we’ll continue to love each other like there’s no tomorrow, support each other with each new day, and allow our hearts to continue to beat as one throughout this lifetime. A

College grads stay up! We are on our time!

If you’re already a working mom, you stay up too! Love you guys the most!

His N’ Hers

10 Jan

I came up with this concept last night when me and my honey where talking about my selfishness. I want him to do what I want when I want. That means everything from watching one of MY Shows and NONE of his to eating what I want to loving….when I want(personal right?) But true!I’ve been struggling with the concept of sharing and giving into what’s mine is yours in my long term relationship with my honey. That sounds crazy after being with someone you plan to marry and have been with for years, but there are too many areas that I want just for me, and when you are a team, there are not “me” or “I” things.

The thing is, I have had to share my entire life…well since my sister(whom I adore) was born thirteen months after me! So, I went instantly from sharing Everything with her including car, apartment, shoes, bed, whatever to sharing those same things with my honey…minus the shoes…lol! Somewhere in between all that sharing, I became really protective of “my stuff” because in my mind, I didn’t have the chance to just have my “stuff.”

The more we talk about my flaw(if you will) the more I realize that I’m not trying to be a butt crack and have everything my way, it’s just that I’m looking for something to call just mine! My show, my money, my car…mine, mine, mine. In the midst of my “Mine” madness, he is the most selfless individual I know. He has on occasion given his last dime to strangers, always makes sure I’m taken care of  no matter the consequence it has on him, goes without for years, to make sure everyone in his home is okay, and that shows me that my pettiness needs to be surrendered for the sake of  the commitment  walk we will undoubtedly take before God soon.

We can still have his and her times, and still come together and share(which) is what makes sharing with your kindred spirit better than having everything to yourself, and having no one to share it with.

Love is the best thing to share, and I’m blessed to have it reciprocated back so strongly!

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